How to help a friend who is facing problems. (my thoughts on)

Recently, I've been trying to keep up with people more. Asking them how they are, what they're doing now, that sort of thing, mostly through Facebook. But I try my best not to dwell on the surface. I don't just have happy conversations with them about the weather, things like that. I've been trying to find out about their problems, try to offer them advice on it and help them out in any way I can. Today, I found out about some of my friends' really distressing problems, and I felt really upset about not being able to help out more. I left Facebook feeling rather depressed. So many other people have so many problems, I was thinking to myself. If only I could give them better advice.

 

When I realised I had a problem with not knowing how to help people, I felt like finding someone to unload the problem onto. I wasn't necessarily expecting the person to be able to help me. I just felt like sharing my misery with someone else. But my problem is so silly. Who would want to listen to it? I smiled and thought to myself, even so, it's always nice to have someone who is willing to listen to one's problems.

 

But that's the answer, isn't it?

"It's always nice to have someone who is willing to listen to one's problems." Of course, my problem is a very minor problem compared to some of the difficulties that other people face in life. But perhaps, sometimes when life is getting you down, and you're facing many difficulties one after another, it's just nice to have someone to talk to, someone to share your problems with. It's nice to know that there's someone who feels for you, someone who bothers to know about your problems. Someone who will patiently listen to your problems, no matter how self-centered those problems may seem.

I've felt that way sometimes. Perhaps you have felt the same way too. If that's the case, others have probably felt the same way too. There might be people around us, people who are close to us, who have problems and just need someone whom they know will listen to them. Perhaps sometimes, you can help a person by just being there for them.

If you've faced many problems in the past, it would be a great help for you in helping out others. What others may call "a challenging time in life" can be turned into a learning experience simply by looking for things to learn from it. Problems that you've face in the past will help you to relate to others who are facing similar problems now. This will make it easier for you to relate to the person, and you will be able to give more relevant advice. Even telling him how you felt about it at the time and how you dealt with the situation internally can help the person a lot.

Or perhaps, a friend comes to you with a problem and you know someone who might be able to help them. When you try to help someone with their problems, you don't have to work entirely on your own capabilities. There may be someone, another friend, a parent, or a teacher who has handled problems like this before. You can go to them for advice that you can pass on to your friend who is struggling with the problem. You could even direct the friend to someone who could help them. There shouldn't be a reason to be ashamed of asking other people to help out with a problem that a friend brought to you. Just so long as the friend is willing to tell people other than you about his problem.

If a person would rather not let other people know about the problem he is facing, you could look for advice on the internet. Google does a lot of work for us these days, and the internet is a wide, wide ocean of information. If you're lucky, maybe a blogger like me (but hopefully better at writing) has gone through the same problem as your friend, and he has blogged about how he overcame that problem. That might be a good article to suggest for your friend to read. However, there are a lot of false teachings floating around the internet these days, so it's important to read things with discernment, so that you don't end up making your friend's problem worse.

Of course, not everyone can be a like Chinese shi-fu that has a proverb for every situation. I guess that sometimes it's easier to help people with their problems, and sometimes it's harder. I still feel that if all you can do to help a person is being that 'someone' who is ready to listen to their problems with open arms, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You don't have to provide a long list of steps to help them overcome their problems, or quote verses and sayings to make them feel better. I think that sometimes it's enough to just say "Can I listen to your problems?" As Mother Theresa once said, "Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless."
  

Expressing Appreciation

I've recently had my life changed by not one person, but by a whole group of people. 23 students and 6 mentors. The people who were with me in Jeremiah School. If you've been paying attention, you may know that I've been away at Jeremiah School for the past two months - hence the incredible lack of blogging - but I just returned for good today. Part of me wishes that I hadn't, though. Everyone I met there contributed to changing my life by accepting me, showing concern for me, and just plain tolerating me during the six weeks I had spent there.

Last night was truly a night of overflowing emotions and uncovered tears. All 30 of us gathered in an upstairs room (whoah, so cool-sounding!) and we sat in a circle and were given a chance to express any of our feelings that we wanted to share with the whole group. Now, I had definitely changed a lot by spending these past six weeks with them, and they have all either encouraged, inspired, or helped me in my growth as a Christian and person in one way or another. Of course I felt the utmost appreciation for each and every single one of them there - both the students and the mentors. There was no question as to how much they had done for me, and there was no question as to my appreciation and gratitude for them.

There was, however, a question as to how I should choose to express those feelings.

As we took turns around the circle to share our feelings, we were give the choice if we wanted to pass our turn on to the person next to us, for the time being, if we weren't ready yet. Of course, later on we came back to those who had skipped, so everyone had a chance to share. As people expressed one by one their appreciation and gratitude to everyone in the circle, and as several people needed to have tissues handed to them (it was a very emotional time - these things always are) and as my turn drew closer and closer, I knew that I would not be able to say what needed to be said without breaking down in tears. But, guys aren't supposed to cry! That would be un-macho! That was my natural thought process at first, but by now Iknew that this was not always naturally true. I had experienced a lot throughout the weeks of Jeremiah School, and I knew it was alright to cry.

At that moment, I had three options: 1. I could skip my turn and wait until the second round, by which time I would probably be more composed and able to share without crying, 2. I could just give a generic "I thank everyone here and I will never forget the fun we had" speech and avoid going anywhere emotionally deep, or 3. I could just come before them uncovered and reveal to them the emotions of my heart, i.e., I could choose to burst into tears and thanks them all from the bottom of my heart through a fit of tears and sobbing.

In the end, I chose the third option. I tried to start of by joking about how I was afraid that my application for Jeremiah School would not be accepted. The kind of thing people say during sharing on the first day. Then I tried to say that I I'd never had a community that was so loving and caring. But I couldn't say it. I said, "I've never had a community..." and then I stopped, trying to hold back my tears and stopping myself from choking up. I tried again a few times, each time failing. In the end, I had to take of my glasses and could hardly look at any of them for wiping the tears from my eyes. I just poured everything out before them in a fit of tears and sobbing.

I'm not ashamed that I cried.

I can't say I'm completely proud that I cried either, but well. Emotional things are always like that. You know.

When your life has been touched or changed by a person, of course you feel like want to repay them in some way, as an act of gratitude. We celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Teacher's Day. We get birthday presents for our friends, we take our mentors out for dinner, and we buy flowers and wine for our teachers when we graduate.

All these things are well and good. People feel appreciated when these things are done for them. They get the warm and fuzzy feeling that they truly deserve for all their compassion and caring. But sometimes, we aren't able to do all these things for the people we appreciate. I've left Jeremiah School now, and I'm not likely to see anyone of the students or mentors again anytime soon. I won't have the chance to take any of them out for dinner or buy them flowers. In such cases, the least that you can do - indeed, you're obliged to do it - is let them know, truly and sincerely, that you appreciate everything that they've done for you. "Hey, remember the time when I was alone by the drinking fountain, and you came up to me and invited me to play ping pong? That really meant a lot to me. Thank you."

It's okay to cry. Your expression, your words, your tone, your reactions, may all seem like outward things, but they reflect what is in your heart.

Even after buying the wine and the flowers, don't just present it to the teacher and leave it at that. Let them know what they did well and how it touched you, and how you appreciate it so much. That's important too.

People like teachers, mentors, and good friends are always trying to help out people who need help. By letting them know how much you appreciate what they've done, they'll know that they're doing things right. They will know how to help others with the same condition as you. One of my mentors once said, "Not only the students are changed. The mentors also learn from the students." If you let them know how they helped you, they will know how to help others in the future. It may be hard to understand, but some people pray that they will get the chance to help someone. In some cases, letting someone know how much you appreciate them can be the best thing you could do for them. You have enabled them to help others after you, which is a great blessing for them.

You don't have to cry in order for your appreciation to be authentic. When you thank someone, what matters the most is always the heart - it's never the presentation. Well, a dramatic presentation might make the occasion more memorable, but the reason you thank someone is never to create powerful memories. It's to encourage and affirm them. Tears are powerful and dramatic, but they aren't everything. Movies just use them often because they get to show off their actors. When you express appreciation and gratitude sincerely, it shows through other things - tone, choice of words, body language, etc., and the other person will feel it. The occasion might not stick in the mind as effectively, but it will most definitely remain in their heart.

Being able to feel appreciation is important. But it won't make a difference to the person who has helped you if you don't express that appreciation to him. When you tell someone how much you appreciate them, it truly matters. You've done what you're at least obliged to do for the person who has done so much for you with no obligations.

  

What is maturity?

Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence.

Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favour of a long-term gain.

Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or a situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging setbacks.

Maturity is being big enough to say "I was wrong." And when right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, "I told you so."

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities and then do nothing.

Maturity means dependability, keeping one's word and coming through a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are confused and conflicted. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business and good intentions that somehow never materialize.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with what we cannot change; the courage to change what should be changed; and the wisdom to know the difference.
  

Re-entry

Today I entered my home again for the first time in five weeks. I started noticing all the little changes around the house and my family. For instance, while I was away, my mom started using new tupperwares to keep water in the fridge. Also, there's a new Elmo mug from Universal Studios in the kitchen. Also, the door handle to my bathroom works a lot smoother now, thanks to my dad having oiled it while I was away.

But I also noticed the things that haven't changed at all, and yet drew my attention to them. I was at Golden Sands Baptist Center, Port Dickson for five weeks, and the bathrooms there are each lit by a single yellow lighbulb. The ceiling's kind of low, about two feet above my head when I stand at full height. When I turned on the light in my own bathroom at home and stepped into it for the first time after five weeks, I was amazed at how white the walls were. After my bath, I was surprised to find that I could stretch my arms all the way up when putting on my shirt without touching the ceiling.

I don't really know what the main point of this post is, because I've had a six-hour train ride to get back home, so I'm tired. I guess what I want to say is, sometimes things become so routine that we actually have to be away from them for more than a month before we can notice them for what they really are. I for one will enjoy sleeping under a blanket that's long enough to cover all of me at once. There are disadvantages to being tall, you know. One is that medium-sized blankets won't cover your feet. I learned that while I was away. Anyway, my challenge to you is, when you wake up tomorrow, try looking at the things around you for what they really are. Good night.

lazy lazy lazy

Feeling so lazy. That's the main reason why I haven't been updating. Do you know, when school holidays first began, I made a resolution? I said to myself, Okay guy, you got to get up at the break of dawn every day. If you want to play video games, that's your moment to play: only the first hour before the sun rises. Once the sky is bright, do a bit of Bible-reading and devotion before starting the day. Then spend the afternoon reading your classic novels. Well, so much for that resolution. On the first few days, I did pretty well. Woke up on time, didn't play too much Facebook and etc., did my morning devotion, and read David Copperfield throughout the whole afternoon. I finished up the last 200 pages in two days. After that, I was so exhausted of reading that it was about a week before I started my next book. Today, I got up at 10:00 a.m. Hardly the break of dawn at all. I still did my morning devotion and all, but it turns out that, the human brain is only capable of so much reading before it gets tired out, like a muscle. The resolution was a task that required superhuman power from the start. Subsequently, I have been very lazy of late, and the only exercise I've done in the passt month is half an hour of Wii Sport. On top of that, the lack of school next year means that I am even less stimulated than normal at the end of the year.

Oh well. Remember the Bible camp Jeremiah School that my sister went for last year? Dumb question, of course not. Anyway, that's where I'm going for six weeks, starting January 2nd next year. It is highly unlikely that I'll be able to blog during that time, so I guess this is goodbye, for now. Of course, there's plenty of time to squeeze in one more post between now and next year, but hey, bloggers need breaks too.

Oh hey, by the way, the world didn't end. Isn't that great? But sometimes those sarcastic "Hey, where's your end of the world now?" posts on Facebook are so annoying that I wish there had been at least some small occurence, like a minor earthquake or an asteroid spotting or something, just to keep those guys quiet.