Saturday, August 3, 2013

How in the world did I get here?

I can't remember what caused it exactly, but a few weeks ago I was just messing around in the hostel at Penang, and I thought to myself, "I'm really not creative." I don't know what caused it, I just happened to think that thought to myself and continued on from there. I'm like that sometimes.

This blog, my blog, has been up for almost two years now. That's almost two years of boring people to death with my aimless and random blog posts. During these almost-two-years, I have also changed a lot. Nowadays I look back at things that I did when I was in Form 4 two years ago and I think to myself, "Now why in the world did I think doing that would be a good idea?"

And then I look at my blog, and I start thinking to myself.

Why in the world did I think starting a blog would be a good idea?

Now, I want to say this: Whenever I look back on my past mistakes and bad decisions, I do so with a light heart. What's done is done, regretting over all my little mistakes isn't going to make anything better, but by thinking back about all those little mistakes, I learn about myself, from myself, through myself. Wow, "chim". That's Chinese for "deep". But anyway, I'm not upset about all those decisions I made in the past. I am actually quite glad that I've had all these past experiences which have made me into who I am today, and from which I can learn much. I look upon my past with a kind of smirk. You know how sometimes people say, "Someday when we're older we'll look back on it, and we'll have a really great laugh"? That's the position I find myself in now. I did some silly childish things, and today they make memories which I choose not to condemn.

Okay, that was all a bit too chim now. But I wonder to myself, why did I start my blog in the first place? Well, okay, I know the answer to that question well enough. I actually answered it in my first-year-anniversary-blog post. Well, yes, I was young and foolish and had no idea what I was doing. I would never try doing something so major for such a minor reason again. However, while that does answer the question of how my blog came into existence, another question still remains. What do I do with my blog now? I mean, look at all those professional bloggers. They can post chim stuff all the time without having to feel awkward about it. And they do so with style. Intro here, bring up the topic of concern, build up and argument, and then wham! knock everyone off their feet with a solid rebuttal, and finally, a conclusion that leaves everyone with a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Nah, I can't do anything like that. I'm a Science student, for goodness's sakes!

But how about all my creative writing? I have two theories as to how I was actually able to write good compositions in Secondary school. First possibility, when I was in Secondary school, I followed the theory of writing. The teachers taught us how to arrange our essays in such a way that it would form a well written composition, and because of that theory of writing, I was able to do reasonably well. I didn't actually have any writing talent, I was just taking in everything that the teachers taught us (for which I am forever grateful, and I would like to forward endless thanks to all of my teachers), and spewed it back out during the exam following the best traditions of secondary education.

The second possibility is that I'm tragically delusional, and all my writings especially the short stories are basically just pieces of cardboard with frosting on top. If you don't believe me, just try reading for yourself some of the short stories I posted on the blog. No, on second thought, don't. Some of them are such tragedies that I can't even look back on them with even a thought of a smile. Nope, not even the ones that are supposed to be funny.

Well, what did I expect when I created this blog? I'm a Science student. The few times when I do post blogs, I mostly make them for laughs, like junk food: Nice, but lacking any actual content at all, and proven to be bad for your health. Well, okay, I don't know about the last one, but your reading this from in front of a computer right? And computers emit radiation, so there.

I think the main reason why I'm writing all this is because I'm trying to bring myself to accept the fact that there's not much more I can do with this blog anymore. Yup, I had my high times and my low times, and I've been through a lot with this blog, and some posts have even raked in a pretty impressive page view count, in my opinion. But those days are long gone, and I've been trying to recreate my blog's success by trying to identify what made those few posts so widely-read and then repeating it in another post, but it doesn't work. Now some of you are sitting on the edge of your seat as you read this, thinking at me, "Hurry up and just say that your ending the blog, so that we can crack open the champagne and celebrate." Hah, not a chance. I'll be stuck with you guys for a while more, I think. I'll never officially put down the blog, because that would be like giving up and admitting defeat, something that I will never allow myself to do. But I am accepting that my blog isn't going to be much of a success here on out. Heck, what defines a successful blog anyway? For me, it's a few hundred followers and a thousand page views everyday, but does that actually mean anything? No, because I don't advertise on my blog, so I'm wouldn't get any money from all of that anyway. Kidding. But I might just swing by and annoy everyone with another cardboard blog post every now and again.

Until then, enjoy life and keep your heads up! I imagine for some of you that the world seems so much brighter after the end of my blog post. After, not during. Like, "I'm so glad it's finally over". Ha ha ha.

Oh, it's been a while since I did one of these quotes at the end of the post, but I think I'll bring one out today:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your trust in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God." ~Psalm 42:5.

Yeah, that's nice.