Okay... Okay, so I've been trying recently to carefully think through what exactly I want to post before writing the post so that I can avoid getting too carried away, and I can stay on the topic. But this kind of causes my blog posts to be a little... stuffy. Inexpressive. I mean, I try to put the meaningfulness into the post, and I do hope it's in there somewhere, although I can't really be sure myself, but my posts may lack... emotion. Personality. Thingy.
So today, I'm going to type about why I didn't post anything last week. I was already drafting in my head how I would talk about laziness, and how it's all perhaps just in one's head, and how we can overcome laziness by trying really hard and how there's always a lesson for us in every challenge if we just look. All of that may be true, but if I had written it that way, it would probably have been awfully boring. So I'm-a just gonna be myself and write this thing and see how it turns out.
Why didn't I update my blog post last Sunday, like I said I would? Well, I could say that it was because I was sick. What's more, that would be the truth. I had a medium-level flu that weekend. Some fever, runny nose, sore throat. Now, usually I get all grumpy when I get sick, because I used to think that hey, I'm sick, and unless I act surly and grumpy no one will know. Basically being sick was a get-away-with-being-an-ol'-jerk-free card for me. But a lot has been changing recently, and I decided to do something new and take this sickness and turn it to my advantage. When I looked at myself, I really looked quite hilarious. My eyes were like, really really red, and my voice was like I was speaking through cotton, or something. Who cares if I look and sound horrible? I can either be grumpy about it, or laugh it off and be happy. It's just one of those small decisions that mean a lot.
But I really can't excuse myself from weekly blog-writing because of a little flu. I really suspect that my sickness was really an excuse for me to legalize my underlying laziness, which had really been building up for the past month or so. I really was becoming lazy and uncommitted to blogging, and it was merely happy coincidence that I got sick last week, allowing me to metaphorically "call in sick over a tummy-ache". I could have written my blog post last week even though I was sick, the fever wasn't really all that bad. But I didn't because I was lazy.
I mean, really. I have this journal which I keep everyday, and everyone always asks me, "Oh, so it's a diary?" and after about five months of the same dialogue I decided to stop being nit-picky about the difference between a journal and a diary and I just say "Okay, yeah, sure, it's a diary-thingy. Whatever." Nevertheless, I am usually in the habit of updating my journal every night. Stuff I want to share goes up on the blog, and stuff that I need for my own personal instruction and improvement goes down in the journal. Now, I really love writing my journal. It's a habit that I picked up at Jeremiah School, and it just feels nice. It helps me make sense of the events of each individual day, and sometimes becomes useful for referring to past events. But recently, I just... stopped writing it. I started feeling that it was too much trouble. Like, "Hey, if I skip writing my journal tonight, I get to sleep earlier. Moar sleep sounds goood...." But I still do like journaling, and I don't like the idea of skipping it. Kind of like a guy who's hungry and thinks "I like sandwiches and I like making sandwiches, but I'm too lazy to make a sandwich right now so I'm just going to be hungry."
What is the point of this post? I don't know. I didn't determine a point before I started writing. I just got in the car and drove where I felt like, without determining a destination beforehand. But now that I've come this far, I can look around at where I'm at, and either be upset about it, or content. I guess I'm mostly just writing this as a kind of self-rant. Ranting about myself. That's a pretty long post up there isn't it? I'd better pull over and park right now before I lose track of time and bore everyone. So, yeah, I've basically written a whole lot about how I've been a lazy bum this past week. Soooo, is there going to be a moral to this story or what? As the writer, I feel that it's my obligation to finish off with something for my readers to think about, kind of satisfy them, give them their time's worth. Understandable. It was very kind of you to take time of your schedule to come here and read my blog, so I owe you something in return. And I have just the thing right here.
It was about 10 months ago that I made a decision to be a better person. Friendlier, more sensitive to other people, that kind of thing. Generally, I tried being nicer to people around me. More cheerful, talkative, and so on and whatnot. I guess you could say I've been doing okay. Then when I got sick, I nearly fell back into my usual habit of letting the sickness make me surly. But I wanted to be a nicer person. I didn't let a sore throat stop me from talking to people, even though my voice sounded like some kind of Dracula, according to a friend of mine. However, when I got sick, I did stop journaling, even though it's been a big help for me in the past and is meant to help me be a better person too. But the sickness wasn't the direct cause in my lack of journaling. My resolve in that area had already been wavering for a while. All it needed was a little event, a little fever, a little headache, to trigger a bout of laziness and lack of commitment.
This is entirely optional, but perhaps at this point you should answer for yourself this question: what is your main goal in your life right now? Whatever your goal is, there will be times when you catch a "flu" - a problem will come up which may make it harder to reach your goal. Next question is, what are you going to do when you "catch the flu"? Will you allow that to weaken you? Will your commitment to your goal disappear? Will you stop journaling for the sake of half an hour more of sleep? Or is your resolve strong enough that you will pursue your goal despite a few setbacks? Will you be a red-eyed runny-nosed hoarse-voiced go-getter? As always, it's a conscious decision for you to make for yourself, and it can change everything.
Even if you find that your resolve has weakened, it's never too late to renew your commitment to your goal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write about this blog post in my journal before I go to bed.